What We Talk About When We Talk About Love

An interpretation of the text - Special Post

This fictional story written by Raymond Carver is a conversation between four friends who are trying to describe love or debate what the word love really means. There is Mel, the cardiologist, and his wife, Terri. Then there's Mel’s best friend, Nick, who is also the narrator of the story and Nick’s wife Laura. The entire time, the characters are sitting around a kitchen table passing around a bottle of gin. They are progressively getting drunk as the conversation goes on, making them more vulnerable and honest with their emotions and thoughts. The main topic that circulates is that of love. As the evening progresses, this topic makes things awkward and stirs things up. They bring up relationships from the past and their own opinions of love, creating a defensive atmosphere. Finally, after they have exhausted the subject, there seems to be no definite conclusion. All the baggage and concepts of previous paradigms they have about love, leaves them with nothing to say at the end of the night.

The concepts that are revealed throughout the story are that love is not absolute. If this story were selectively told by one of the characters, then the reader would have a more bias opinion of love. It is like the saying, “You have to hear every side of the story.” Everyone brought their piece of mind to the kitchen table. The four-way conversation is what really brings the questions about love. In the end, you cannot pick a side or choose a winning theory.

At first, the story seems to be creating a definition for love that the reader can catch at the end of the story. This could very well be the case, but the definition is not so clear at first glance. The whole thing starts when Laura mentions her ex-boyfriend, who was extremely violent and had beaten her and even tried to kill her; yet she says that he loved her. Her husband, Mel, is at first very cutthroat and shuns her idea saying things like, “that’s not love and you know it.” Laura appears to be very defensive about how Mel takes it upon himself to categorize love so easily and exclude any cases he deems abnormal. Even his friend Nick suggests that what Mel is saying is that love is absolute. Apparently this is a touchy subject that is scratching the surface when Laura tells her husband, “He did love me, Mel. Grant me that. That’s all I’m asking.” Of course as the reader, undoubtedly one would think that it is absurd to say that an abusive love is really love at all. Initial instincts make us lean more towards Mel’s black and white point of view; that that cannot be love and never will be.

Things start blooming when Laura says something that could be easily overlooked, but brings power to her argument. She says, “It was love. Sure, it’s abnormal in most people’s eyes. But he was willing to die for it. He did die for it.” Right there, Laura was saying that love is passionate, crazy, and worthwhile, worth everything. She was willing to put up with all the abuse only because she felt it was real love through it all. This was a very distinct point of view from that of Mel’s who later on says he would have liked to be a knight because they were always safe from danger. This shows the walls some have around their heart. They want the normal, protected love. It’s not a bad thing, but in the end there is always a risk. Nick informs Mel that being a knight wasn’t the best gig, since sometimes their armor was so heavy and hot that they would suffocate in it and die, leaving them to be trampled by their own horses. This gave much insight to Mel’s own fate, or people who think like him. In trying to protect themselves, they end up suffocated in their own worry and doubt. They lock themselves up in the sheltered armor that eventually takes the life away from them. People like Laura; on the other hand desire to feel all the intensity of emotion. She wants to know the feelings are there, no matter how they are displayed. She wants to feel it all. All or nothing.

The meaning of true love never becomes clear, per say. That is the point. We are different and receive and give love in different ways. The only thing that is clearly defined is that love should be passionate. Towards the end of the night, Mel tells a story of two old patients that he had who were under severe conditions. They were a married couple. The husband has a mouth, nose, and eye-holes. Mel goes on to say that the old man was severely depressed even after hearing that his wife was going to live. He asked him why and the man said that it was because he could not see his wife through his eye-holes. Mel was astonished that the car accident wasn’t killing him, but the simple fact that he couldn’t see the woman he loved. He was dying of a broken heart. Love should be something we would die for or else, “Now what?” as Terri said in the end of the story. We could just eat or not eat, as Nick later on says in the table, pretend we feel love or not feel love at all. Which is the greater evil? Clinging on to love even if it hurts us or never truly engaging in love at all? This is what the story is really saying. We cannot place a guideline for love. It is not a sign; it is a symbol that is defined by what surrounds it. The question is: are we going to embrace love without inhibitions it or let it die out so that WE will not get hurt?

Christ, Christians, and The "Others"

Growing up in a church my whole life I have seen many amazing happenings from the pulpit. I was raised Pentecostal, to believe in miracles and the giftings of the Holy Spirit. I have seen people raised from the dead, diamonds fall from heaven, evil spirits coming out of people, gold dust on the hands of musicians, and so much more that sounds unbelievable. When a community of believers, however, is so dependent on the move of the Holy Spirit that it becomes there only focus or source of outreach, it loses its true power. It become another stereotype church that Hollywood makes fun of. In his paper, Steven M. Fettke speaks about the churches treatment with his disabled son. How is the church reaching out to the sick and broken hearted? Did God really intend us to lay hands on everything with stomping, shouting, and Hallelujahs to make things better? I remember as a young girl, when the congregation was called to the alter for prayer, if there was a disabled person that went up it made everyone uncomfortable. Everyone would watch, not really expecting for such great a miracle to happen but at the same time desire it so badly because that was the only “acceptable” solution to this persons problem. After hard and fervent prayer, if the person didn’t stand up and walk or jump then the preacher would resign to the unknown mystery of God’s timing and the congregation would figure it was a lack of faith on someone’s behalf.

The power and authority that Christ has given the church to reach the WORLD is far more than a display of miracles. Jesus did speak of miracles and healings when he said, “And these signs shall follow those who believe… ” But he also told the parable of the many that would enter the throne of judgment saying, “Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.” These are harsh and scary words to even think of hearing one day. How is it that people like that can be subject to separation from God? I believe there could be a connection between how God would like the church to work on His behalf and how the church is failing to do so. So many times in the Bible mere acts of kindness are referenced with high esteem. Christ calls us to “be the least of these” and take care of the widows and the orphans, visit the sick and those in prison, pray for your enemies and so on. These things do not require a revival service; it is a lifestyle of a community of light. God calls us to be ambassadors of Christ, which means to carry on His affairs, as He would do. The church should not rely on miracles to demonstrate their authority to the lost, but reveal Christ love through actions of service and humbleness. Did not Paul say that though I speak with tongues of angles but do not have love, I am only a resounding sound? God is love and as we love we lift up His name like a banner. Christ said, “When I be lifted up I will draw all men unto me.” There is stated the key to church outreach.

Writing With Purpose

"Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depth of your heart; confess to yourself you would have to die if you were forbidden to write."
— Rainer Maria Rilke
Ideas and themes for writing more often come naturally to the writer, however, who is to say which ideas are pen-worthy? There are many topics or situations that a writer can select for a theme. For example: death, love, hate, friendship, nature, human attitudes, human failure and so on. Some of these topics are not bedtime story material, but that’s perfectly fine. Why? The reason is because life is complex. Life is full of beauty that is not only revealed through gentle sentiments but also through trials and humbling situations. This is why when we write we can express ourselves through a variety of topics. Choosing what to write about is not the issue, it is finding a reason to write. When writing successfully, if the topic makes the author laugh, the audience will laugh; if the author cries, the audience will cry.

One can take “The Boys Next Door” as an example of a seemingly controversial topic. The play is about four grown men who are mentally retarded. The script is quite comical. Is it appropriate, however, to find humor in the endearing situations of the mentally retarded? We discussed this question in class. Some people thought it was better to not bring up topics that might make others uncomfortable. Would that do any good in the end however? Real life is out there, as are the mentally challenged. The way that the play was written was not only endearing but it has the ability to open the eyes of the people who might feel “uncomfortable” reading a play like this. Familiarity with conflictive topics always helps people think in a broader perspective. Going back to what I said previously, I don’t believe there is any topic that has to do with life that is beyond the limits of literature, as long as there is a purpose. Purpose gives sense to every conversation, poem or play. What is it that we want to communicate? On what areas of life do we want to shed light over? I believe with this in mind, there is no prohibited topic or situation. It is purpose that gives meaning and life to our writing.

Darkness and Hope, Ashes and Beauty

My life took a turn for the worst when I was eighteen-years old. I got involved with the wrong people and allowed myself to acquire a mindset that only belittled me as a person and a Christian. Bit by bit, I felt as if my heart and values were falling apart, till all that was left was bitterness and shame; darkness and ashes. The funny thing about these periods of darkness is that they come in the worst times apparently. It reminds me of a passage that C.S. Lewis wrote in his book, A Grief Observed. In where he speaks about the times when God is knocking at our door, but it is almost an interruption to our lives, but when we need Him, He seems to not be around. When I look back at my time of darkness, now I see that the timing was perfect because I was surrounded by support in order to heal and learn. It was a test of my own strength and hope. As Paul Corrigan says in his essay Darkness, Questions, Poetry and Spiritual Hope, “Facing darkness, ultimately, however, is not about darkness but about hope, about validating our spiritual hope.” Although my darkness was exposed to everyone, the validity of my hope eventually shined brighter than my past mistakes. Fighting against the pessimistic prophesies and opinions about oneself is half the battle. Finding hope and beauty in darkness and ashes is victory attained. No matter what, every person will face these moments. It is not something we can choose where, when, and how to happen. This is why choosing to find the positive outcomes of every situation should not be underestimated. It is the mindset that allows life and growth to come forth from our hardships.

Mary Oliver wrote about a dream she had where a person handed her a box full of darkness, but it was the greatest gift she had received. Could it be because darkness reminds us of the hope that we are so desperately in need of? Paul Corrigan referred to the Psalm that says, “As we walk through the valley of the shadow…” Even men and women throughout the Scriptures express their personal experience of darkness and the questions that it stirs up. The same psalmist that wrote about the valley of the shadow said, “I shall not fear, for You are with me.” Darkness brings us back to our source of hope. It is the same with faith. Without previous doubts, is there really any power in what made us believe? And anything that can turn ashes into beauty is worthy of praise. In these things, lie the power of our testimonies.

The Nature of Things

The Nature of Things

A breeze ripples the lake
Making it move and come alive
A wind dances between the trees
Making them sway joyfully
Nature complements nature
The night makes bloom the Cereus
The dew coats the land like a canopy
In the distance, far from earth
The sun appears as a gem
Rising like a sapphire
Creating wavelets of golden honey
It is guilty of fanfaronade
As it stages a boastful blaze
The birds greet it with songs
Every element of nature
Gives beauty to another
We are the spectators and
Protectors of such beauty

During the time I spend in the park, I spent time standing still, sitting, listening, observing, and thinking. Sometimes, I wouldn’t think at all, but let my surroundings awaken thoughts that I myself could not provoke. I took the suggestion of Mary Oliver- to be still and learn how to be astonished. It was an exercise that took effort, but I believe even Lectio Divina and other class exercises helped prepare me for that moment. Soaking in the beauty and wonder around us is almost a forgotten art. So easily we pass by the moments that give quality to life.

The main idea that inspired the poem I wrote was the attitude of nature. Nature cares for itself, gives life, and beauty to the rest of it. Nothing stands alone. There is a dependency and selflessness about it and how it works. Lessons can be taught just by observing the interdependency of the world around us. It is truly quite astonishing and humbling. This also placed in me a greater sense of responsibility. What is our job as the likeness of God in regards to the Earth? This question arose in me. If nature knows its place and how to take care of itself, how come we cannot meet those standards as well? All the Earth and everything in it has been given to mankind to guard and benefit from. Mary Oliver also spoke about this- the holy stewardship that we should dutifully accomplish.

I also noticed that writing about nature was very fluent once observation was followed thoroughly. Observation is the main key I believe. Trying to compare elements in nature with other elements really brought the descriptions to life- like the sun as a golden sapphire. Also giving objects in nature personalities or attitudes, such as the boastful sun, dancing wind, joyful trees. All these things helped me knit the words together for the poem.

I went to Lake Bonny Park for this assignment, and I stayed there for at least 40 minutes.

The Poems of Mary Oliver

Mary Oliver has taken words and knitted them together beautifully. All of her poems were so enjoyable and hold a lot of truth. Even as she talks about prayer she says, "patch a few words together and don't try to make them elaborate, this isn't a contest but a doorway". Perhaps literature is not just the eloquence of words, but the paths that lead us through doorways of questions and understandings? What is communication after all, but a message that was meant to be heard and understood. Like Jesus said, "he who has ears, let him hear," and as Mary Oliver said, "just pay attention". There seems to be a pattern.

In her poems she writes of spiritual depth, sorrow, prayer, appreciating the nature around us. In class, we were prompted to listen and observe nature. Mary wrote something very inspirational about this idea: "Let me keep my mind on what matters, which is my work, which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished." The key word in this is LEARNING to be astonished. There is so much around us that is "astonishing" and beautiful, but we have become desensitized to it. It must be a sought after process to learn how to appreciate the amazing things God has placed among us for our enjoyment. The author mentions how important these things are even as religious people. One can see how, indeed, our stewardship of the Earth also reflects our godliness. This is an insightful and valuable lesson... told within a poem.

Although the poems by Mary Oliver were written with so much insight, they were still simple. Simplicity has and will always be beautiful. It catches the light in just the right way. This is how her poems inspire me. There is no need to say more than what is needed. Some of her poems were just life-thoughts she jotted down as she woke up from a dream. It seems as though she lives the life of a poet: reflecting, observing, wondering, questioning...

The State of The Planet

Although the title, “The State of The Planet” is pretty straight-forward and obvious, the poem in itself is complex and intricate. Robert Hass seems to be taking more of an approach to describing human nature and how we have gotten ourselves into this mess. “It must be a gift of evolution that humans can’t sustain wonder.” He really brings out questions about human character and perhaps our naïve acts that progressively destroy the world.

The author makes much reference to Lucretius, who was a Roman poet and Virgil, who wrote poems that gave agricultural advice. Tying in these styles of poetry, along with message, and a valuable purpose made the poem elaborate. Mentioning of “the book” that will tell the girl many things about the Earth and how things work, and what became of it gives the poem a story-like feel. It’s mysterious, like the story of Narnia, where Lucy enters into a whole new realm and then is able to see her own world differently.

Another thing that I appreciated about this poem is its usefulness. Of course, as we have been learning, all literature is useful in our lives. But in particular, I was intrigued to read about the topic of “Caring for our planet” with a poetic twist. It moves the reader, gives insight into human conduct and our responsibility towards Earth, and lets us see beauty and remorse for the consequences of our doings. Seeing that poetry can have a strong effect on world views, personal views, and other important topics helped me further understand the multifaceted quality of literature. “The State of The Earth” was a more effective tool to a necessary topic than most of the commercials and rallies we see. I would like to see poetry used to raise QUESTIONS about abortion, racism, and consumer behavior. After all, literature serves for asking the hard questions.